Where do you turn when the society doesn't work for you! (Vomitous Mass)

Is there anybody else out there having trouble trying to figure out what they're supposed to be doing in this life? And is this a bad question considering my Christian faith?
The heart of my theology is that Jesus brought a new way of thinking about life to not only the people he had personal contact with but to all of us who claim humanity as our species. This brought him in direct opposition with both major institutions that would run his life if he allowed it to. What was funny about that is that those institutions were in opposition to each other. (I believe that it is in the nature of institutions to oppose one another). So Jesus, brings an opposing worldview to a world on the edge of blowing up with a worldview war. The Pax Romana vs. strict Judaism, Enter Jesus. The climax of the story?: The Pax Romana and strict judaism make a once in a lifetime alliance. It's actually the only time they ally. And they agree that it is in both of their best interest to kill the Nazareth carpenter that we call Jesus. This just raises the most important questions in the universe. Questions, that if answered should help us figure out what we're all supposed to be doing in this life. The question first and foremost is. Why should I assume that a singled out historical context has more significance to this universe than what is apparent? And what is apparent, if you were confused, is that Jesus of Nazareth was a radical with ideas dangerous enough to both strict Judaism and the Roman Empire for him to have to be executed. There is no good reason to assume it without faith. (Faith needs no reason) The reason I say this is not a good reason is based on the keen observation that Jesus Christ rules the Western World despite the fact that there have been other radicals who died for good causes at the hands of opposing worldviews. Why haven't we made a world religion out of them? Why haven't we done to them what we've done to Jesus, and that is turn them into more than the simple men that they were, turn them into causes, into reasons and purposes, into systems and rituals? Is it not obvious that Christianity is an overwhelmingly dominating institution? Is Jesus merely the Western symbol of social justice, and personal salvation? Does the real Jesus of Nazareth even matter anymore? And why should he matter anymore than Martin Luther King, or Abraham Lincoln, who's deaths did arguably more for their causes than their lives? Could not the same thing be said of Jesus? Why put such emphasis on Jesus? Why put your faith in Jesus? The answer that the Apostle Paul gives us is the Resurrection, that Jesus was the first to rise from the dead, the "firstborn from the dead" as he put it. What's interesting about this is that in Paul's day it was actually moderately common for disciples of a "messiah", of which there were many, to give meaning to a "messiah's" life by giving meaning to his death by saying he rose from the dead. In other words Paul's reason for what made that particular radical from Nazareth signigicant is that he didn't stay dead, for real. Paul believed this was true not by faith, but by sight. He claimed that he saw the risen Jesus, and that the risen Jesus vindicated the pre-risen Jesus' message. To Paul, the teachings of Jesus mattered because Jesus did something impossible, proved himself to extra-human, or as Paul would claim along with other apostles, proved himself to be the God of Israel as Jesus claimed to be. Remarkably, Paul exclaims to the 1st century church at Corinth that his whole life of preaching and suffering is in vain if Jesus did not rise from the dead. What I have been implying that I will now say openly. Our faith is not a moral faith. For Jesus taught morals only disagreeable to an institution, but not to an individual. Jesus taught us the morals of all of our mothers. He taught us to treat others as we would like be treated, to sacrifice for each other, to feel the need to teach others before we fell the need to prove ourselves. And these morals, can be easily followed by a good young boy, on a personal level. But on a international level, on a societal level, on an institutional level, you can forget about it. Imagine telling President Bush that you think America should follow the teachings of Jesus, and just give Iraq all that we have because the God who "formed this country" will provide for all of our needs. Most Christians in America would call this suggestion something like, misguided, naive, idealistic, or even unpatriotic. Let's think about this. What happens in war? People kill each other. For what? To protect their ideals? What ideals? Ideals like "do not murder"? By the way we protect this ideal by executing those who kill people. What matter has an ideal if it cannot be lived out? How does more killing improve the quality of life around the world? If anything it's all an admission that human being are screwed up and everything is out of control. Am I the only one who's not satisfied with living out Jesus' teaching's in my "own personal life",as if my "own personal life" has no affect on the world?
I believe that Jesus' teaching's were about social justice.
I believe that we all agree with Jesus in our own personal lives.
I believe that when we get together and try to make a just society that we screw it up. Even when we do it in Jesus' name.
This is why I ask... What am I supposed to be doing with my life?
I won't bring in the realization of Jesus' teachings on earth by organizing and motivating a group of people to do it.
Nor will I bring the realization of Jesus' teachings by complaining and doing nothing.

Maybe, I am thinking on the wrong thing. Maybe my addiction to thinking about "what to do" instead of "what am I?", "who is Jesus", "how did I get here?" and other paradoxes is what is getting me and the rest of the world into trouble. What if I lived my life in perfect awe? Always, simply enjoying entertaining the mysteries, the questions without answers; "How did I get here?" "How did Jesus die and then live?" "How was Jesus born of a virgin?" "How does the Universe not have an end?" How does time have a beginning and an end?" How many stars are there?" What if these thoughts made me realize that life is bigger than my job, my payments, even the worlds problems, affording me time, without coercion, to live out Jesus teaching. The beginning of wisdom is awe as Solomon tells us. Awe results in obedience. Obedience results in joy. Joy results in purpose. It starts in your mind. Try to stop thinking about what you're going to do, and think about all that's been done, let your mind be blown away. I can gurantee that the mighty sounds of airstrikes, the impressive sights that are towering skyscrapers, prove to be infentessimle squeaks, and micropscopic sights. And when man no longer impresses us, he can then have our compassion.